Crazy Train

Jacques does everything with gusto – eating, barking, playing… and if it’s possible, even sleeping. So, it’s not a surprise when I come home (doesn’t matter if I’m gone 5 minutes or 5 hours) that he greets me with gusto. Actually, it has become more like some sort of mad frenzy.

When I pull my car into the garage, even before I’ve even turned the car off, I can hear Rocky and Jacques barking their “greetings.” (“Greetings” sounds much better than saying “they were barking like clueless lunatics,” which we all know is what is really happening, but I digress.) Jacques, in all his excitement, takes things a step further. He goes into a barking/howling/yodeling frenzy that is bewildering yet hilarious. Often times, I just stand in the garage and listen to him until he finally stops because it is that funny. As I open the door, I see a brief flash of white then hear nails scratching on the tile as Jacques peels out of the kitchen (usually taking out a water bowl and rug in the process) and runs towards the other side of the house to the office. There he watches and shakes with anticipation as Rocky and I go down to the end of the driveway to retrieve the mail.

When we return, I hear Jacques peeling out on the tile, but this time he’s headed straight towards me. He throws himself at me and tries to jockey for position between me and Rocky. As I move into the house with one giant black dog moving at a snail’s pace, standing right in front of me, I have a small white dog doing circles through and around my legs while jumping up and down. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Step over dog. Step around dog. Give ridiculously slow dog push forward. Try not to strangle hopping dog that is about to trip me. Start. Stop. This continues through the utility room, into the kitchen and dining room, and on into the living room. (I’m shocked – and thankful – I haven’t fallen and/or seriously hurt a dog.) About that time, I mention going outside which elicits another chorus of barking and results in Jacques doing some Doggie NASCAR laps around the living room. He somehow ALWAYS manages to come around the corner of the couch or chair right when I do. He comes within nanometers of taking me out, but somehow always misses. He does laps around the living room as I shout, “Go to the door and SIT! SIT! SIT!” But there is no stopping that crazy train once it leaves the station… unless that crazy train miscalculates turning a corner and smashes right into a recliner – which is exactly what happened earlier this week.

In one of his many loops around the living room, Jacques miscalculated a turn and ran right into the corner of the recliner. I was a few steps behind him and heard a loud “THUNK!” then saw the recliner rocking. I looked at Jacques who, I swear, was shaking his head in a “what in the heck just happened??!” sort of way and just busted out laughing. At that point, his pride was a little wounded, but he calmly picked himself up, walked the few steps to the back door and sat and waited for me to let him out. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me.

"This stupid chair jumped out in front of me as I was fulfilling my need... my need for speed. Stupid chair."

“This stupid chair jumped out in front of me as I was fulfilling my need for speed. Stupid chair.”

I would love to say that he learned his lesson and takes corners a little slower, but no. No, no. That would make sense. And nothing about Jacques makes sense. But, I have learned that there really is a way to stop the crazy train once it’s left the station… And don’t think I won’t use that knowledge to my advantage (just maybe not with super large pieces of furniture).

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